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Dream Disclaimer July 13, 2007

Posted by dreamom in family, Life.
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While I sat in the out, out, OUT field in gym class in grade 6, picking clover, and thinking of the 27 kids I planned to have (that is how many I had names for :o) I didn’t notice the small print. You know! “Car, house, and comfortable income not included.” It has only been fairly recently that I have come to terms with the fact that you CAN have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.

I have my family, or as much of it as we can handle right now… I have a strong faith in God – although I know there is LOTS of room for improvement there. Back in the school yard I might have thought that was all there was to that dream. I took for granted that an income would have to provide the house, the car, the food. In my dream I wasn’t stressed about the bills that had to be paid – neither was my husband. We were just able to enjoy the children, giving them a nice balance of what they need and what they want. We got to go camping, and touring Canada – they all had their own room, and got to participate in sports and other activities that interested them.

With maturity has come a MUCH more realistic number of children, but the other stuff didn’t change. I still want to be able to give them everything, and be able to have the time, money and energy to expose them to travel, nature, people, culture, art – the list goes on and on.

Today my ds1 turns 7. He wants to paint his room, but since we rent, I can’t do that for him. He always wanted a battery operated car – which he never got. He likes sports, but can only go to the YMCA – and then, only when I have the energy to take him. He loves animals and has been looking forward to us ‘getting a farm’. That will not be happening anytime soon. He is perfectly happy, but for me, my sadness over him turning 7 is about more than just my ‘baby’ growing up. There is also guilt for not giving him that dream I had for him. There is also despair that I will have to experience this sadness over and over again, as he and the rest of my family continue to be short-changed on what I had hoped for them.

Perhaps I could give them more of those things if I decided to work outside the home, instead of sticking to my hopes of being home with them. I don’t think that would fix it though. They might experience more – but I wouldn’t be there to see it.

What are the things I am missing? I don’t have the house. I have never been able to be excited about decorating a nursery, or bedroom. I can’t change the things I don’t like in the house… I don’t have the yard. For them or their dog (which they also don’t have). I don’t have the vehicle that is comfortable for the whole family. I don’t have the furniture. (Okay, this one is mostly about me… I just hate my house looking like I went shopping at a college yard sale – which is pretty much what I did!) I don’t have the vacations. I want to take them camping, and to famous cities – ESPECIALLY Canadian ones… I REALLY want to take them to the 2010 Olympics…

The absence of these things don’t diminish how much I love my children at all. I think my children make me sadder about these things though. Every time I see something out of line with the picture in my head I mourn the areas in which I have failed the kids, and the whole family…

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Comments»

1. Cori@SAHMbles - August 6, 2007

Oh Sarah, your children have everything they need, they have the love of you and your DH. You are raising them to be loving children and really they don’t miss those all those things you mentioned. Children have fleeting wants and then they are on to the next thing. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are a great mom.

I have all the camping stuff you would ever need, come by and borrow it anytime you feel the urge.


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