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Untitled July 22, 2008

Posted by dreamom in Uncategorized.
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Alright.  I sat looking at the title line long enough, and just couldn’t decide how to refer to this post.  Here is the crux of it.  I am finding my self relating to a red headed Canadian icon in that “I’m in the depths of despair”.  The disappointment is nothing that I haven’t felt before.  Let me fill you in.

As you have read about in previous posts, we have undergone a huge saga involving BASF and a potential job in Manitoba, or Saskatchewan.  That saga ended yesterday.  After sending an email to find out what was up (they said that they would call about a second interview in a few weeks, a few weeks a go), they called my husband to say that they had actually filled the positions already.  I guess they changed their minds about a second interview…

This isn’t all bad news.  It would have meant a huge move and a complete change in our lifestyle, having all our family so far away.  Some aspects of that I am glad that I don’t have to go through.  The problem is the stuff that is the bad news.  Right now we are a family of five who are completely dependent on our families to pay all our bills.  That is a really difficult position to be in.  We have been through this potential job rollercoaster so many times that I can’t count.

When a job prospect comes up my husband applies, and works on prepping for interviews, etc.  My role is to look at the housing prospects, schools, and other essentials.  In the process of doing that I tend to get excited about the place we might go.  Sometimes it is mentioned to the kids as a possibility, and my husband usually shares in the budding dreams about our new life as a self-sufficient family in a new routine, and usually a new place.  When the dream of a job dies, so do the dreams of that life.  I have mourned more towns that I have never lived in than anyone I know!

The funny thing is that as this dream of employment joins the many in the heap of broken dreams, there is another on the horizon.  This job is much closer.  We have friends in the town, and near-by.  It is the same distance from our families as we are now.  Tonight I logged on to the city’s website and started to research things and I realized that I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t attach myself to another dream.  I can’t go through the pain and loss of something that was never mine.  I can’t go lower than I am now.

In all of these experiences I have had various reactions in terms of my response to why.  I have asked why, I have been angry, I have been trusting,  I have been hurt, I have been positive – praising God for closing a door that wasn’t meant of us.  Now, I find myself empty.  I faithfully prayed, patiently waited.  I asked God to close the door sooner than later if it was not the right thing, so that we could move on with our focus.  Instead it took the longest to hear about this.  I have begged God to bring us through this, and I feel ignored.  I know in my heart of hearts that God has a plan for us, but after all the duds that we have seen, and been through – I am starting to feel like I don’t care.  I realize that many a prophet has tried to rush God, and it turned out that he had a better idea all along.  I don’t want to rush God.  I want to give up.  I want to not care that our hopes for our life are impossible because of this situation. I want to not care that we have to leach off anyone that will help us financially.

I don’t want to plan for this next move because I feel like it is destined to follow the same path as the rest.  In the end we will still be stuck in this hell hole of a life that we have found ourselves in.  It is with this energy and drive that I am to get up in the morning and clean the house, look after the kids, cook the meals, do the laundry, and do it with such exuberance that my husband will gladly go to the school and work on his M.Sc.  While I do so I will field calls from family and friends extolling the importance that I let Kevin work on the M.Sc.  I will respond to comments about how this has to change and can’t continue this way.  I will smile and nod as they explain all the ways that we have screwed up our finances, our chances at jobs, and our family.  I will then sit down and pray the same prayer that I have prayed for over 8 yrs, and to this day have never had answered.  Then I will get up and do the whole thing again.

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