What a Week September 26, 2009Posted by dreamom in Uncategorized.
People who know my son will know that he is sensitive, and intuitive. He has always had a slightly different rhythm going on his drum than most everyone else’s. Not crazy different, just different. Definitely more noticeable in some environments than others. This is the source of great discussion as I would love to see him in an environment where those differences are honoured and he is able to use his strengths and weaknesses to do anything he wants. For now this is not the case, and it is always in God’s hands…
This week has been a huge test of me trusting God with him, and his future. For some reason this week he has been broken. Not physically, but his spirit is broken. He is panicked more than he isn’t, and he is barely sleeping (only sleeps with the help of a sedating herbal supplement), and not eating. He does play in spurts, but those are more and more frequently being interrupted by moments of anxiety and panic.
This week has been a busy week calling Dr’s, going to the ER, talking to Community Mental Health, emailing the Paediatrician, talking to the school, and visiting the school. I have managed to get him bumped up the waiting list for a counsellor from 3 months to 2 weeks, confirmed that there is no physical issue, and have been told to alert an array of Dr’s if anything changes, and finally connected with a spectrum of school personnel that have an increasing need to know what is going on as the issue persists. That being said I had a horrendous conversation with the principal where she told me I was nuts and over protective, and outright LIED to me to make me shut up. Suddenly she finds out that CMH thinks this is a serious issue, and she is taking notes. How am I supposed to trust my child to this person who just wants to shrug me off, as if my 9+ years as his parent gives me no insight or experience into his behaviour or health? As if I didn’t want him out of the Public School system before, I REALLY do now. I am told about how he has complained about being sick and wanted to go home, and they were shrugging him off. I am told about how they don’t care if he is eating, and how that has nothing to do with his ability to participate in school or gym effectively or healthily. I am blithely told that if he isn’t getting enough sleep that I can try an earlier bedtime. After all I told them it is clear that they haven’t listened to a word I said, and haven’t listened to him either.
Dealing with anxiety is a fine balance. Pay too much attention and you feed it, not enough – and you feed it. It is a balancing act while blind-folded. You only know where the balance is when you go to far. In an effort to keep that balance I send him to school to keep up a normal routine. In doing so I am sending him into a pit of vipers (students and staff), and in an environment where that balance is not respected. That is a tough place to be. I try to educate them, but they can’t be there all the time. I try to trust them, but they won’t even acknowledge there is a problem. Meanwhile I am watching his spirit disappearing, and an energetic fun loving boy is a quiet, sad, scared panicked child who can’t bring himself to eat or sleep. He picks at food, and will barely put any in his mouth. Without the medication he is waking at least every hour (once he is asleep) weeping and complaining about feeling like he is dying. He is feeling bombarded by the intensity of what he is feeling, and is just wanting EVERYONE he knows to pray for him that this will stop.
I do, will you?