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Back To Reality March 12, 2012

Posted by dreamom in Uncategorized.

Between my own drive to take the time and space that I needed and the nature of our family circumstances at the moment, I was able to just step out of life and deal with me, and my emotions, and Hannah’s birth head on.  As the last of the big ‘first time back at’s wrap up I am noticing that I took my time, and dealt in my way with what I was being handed – but that others didn’t – certainly not in the same way.  I don’t know what I expected, but it isn’t really what I get for the most part.

Some people are aware of the obscure (to them) emotional path I took as they were in and out of the house, connecting on Facebook, or reading my blog.  Others have either not had access, or chosen not to connect with me – and that is where the biggest gaps tend to be.  Maybe it isn’t so much whether they know MY journey through pregnancy/infant loss – but rather where they are on theirs.

Maybe they are one of the ones who don’t have a personal story of loss, and have just seen it in others, or only in their deepest fears.  Then there are people who had a loss, that was glossed over, and they never got to FEEL it – roll it around and make it into something they could use in their life.  Then there are people who have lost and feel it so deeply that they know only a deep pain that they try to never let see the light of day… Oh who am I kidding – I can’t describe all the manifestations of this that I have seen – it is an endless ocean.

What I have realized is that even though I have taken this cup of pain, and let my God turn it into a blessing for me – that I can’t expect others to have done that.  Or to understand it.  I have to face the reality that the same birth that I look back on with a smile and joy – that for others it stirs up pain, fear and tears.  The same experience that I count as gain, others see as loss – stealing speech from their lips, and bringing tears to their eyes.

When I run into this emotional incongruence I find myself smiling awkwardly and fumbling through their sadness, and I have never been quite sure what to do with it.  What I figured out today is that I have to accept it as their sadness.  Maybe it is sadness over Hannah’s death, or maybe it is but an echo of their own pain.  It is not mine reflected back – but their being offered forth.  Knowing that, I can give the comforting hug, and I can look them in the eye and say it is okay.  I don’t need to fear their sadness any more than my own – I can offer it all up to God and ask him to heal it.

To be honest I have a harder time with the people who won’t talk to me at all.  The people who avert their gaze, and avoid conversation or connection.  I know that it is driven by pain, but it is one that is being with held, and with it the person feeling it.  But again – I need to take that pain and offer it up for redemption.

Basically – I thought I was going back into the world that I left – but I didn’t.  It is a new one where emotions are more raw – pain is closer to the surface – and in case I didn’t shed enough of my own, tears are shed for me, my baby, and for the journey I have started out on.  BACK to reality is a misnomer.  Rather it is ‘Finding A New Reality’.

With that realization I pick up Hannah’s strand and keep weaving it into the fabric of my life.  A place that honours the life that was, and is – the change in me that she brought, but understated and gentle – as to not demand attention as soon as you see me.  I sit and survey the creation happening before my eyes and I smile.



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