Round and Round we go… August 3, 2012Posted by dreamom in Uncategorized.
It has – as usual – been a while. It isn’t the usual too busy, too harried, doesn’t get to the blog too long though. It is “I don’t want to do that right now.” There has been some heavy duty hurting going on, and the ever constant search for joy in a world of pain.
One month plus one day of Hannah’s due date I miscarried. Again. This time it was early. 6+5 days. Hardly the same, but the kick to my gut is the same. Disappointment is the same. Regrets are similar. Loss is loss. It isn’t just the loss of a baby, though – it is the loss of a dream. Here we have been hoping for more children, and we are hearing a resounding “No” – or “Not yet” That pains me – but I can’t help but see some of the wisdom in it either. I can say that the baggage I have is a result of the losses, but if I am really honest with myself I can see the issues with what I have set as my timeframe. MY timeframe is bound to my age – ironically. I know I want more, but I know I am getting older, so that clock is putting the pressure on with the TICK. TICK. TICK. The fact is that I am not THAT old, and the irony is that I am named after a woman who was barren through all the traditional childbearing years, and laughed when in her old age she heard she would have a child. Yet she did. I am confident I will too. I doubt that God would set this need in my heart without a plan to see it through. Trust, trust, trust. Yes. Trust.
I trust that God has the souls of my lost children, I trust that God has a plan for me, and I trust that if I submit to his will that I will see the fruit. I will be blessed. Today I pray that my path will be straight. That my eyes will be on him. That I can trust in the goodness he has for me. That I will carry out his plan in my actions. I THANK Him for His presence, guidance and care. I thank Him for the hard things, just as I do the easy. I thank Him for all the situations He has put me in – good and bad – so that I can become the person He created me to be.
And it took me a while to get to the place where I was okay with saying that and meaning it – but I am there now.