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Heartaches October 13, 2010

Posted by dreamom in Happiness, Life, Uncategorized.
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The heart is a funny thing.  You can feel passionately about a million different things, sometimes CONFLICTING things.  I am an activist at heart – it is in my nature to convince people of the right thing.  These days the right thing is getting harder and harder to find.  Even in the wrong thing there is a right thing, and most certainly a right way – and these days that is overlooked and disregarded.  It is tuff being in the middle.

I had grand plans of this post making sense – and the long and short of it is that it doesn’t, and in an effort to not pertetuate things it won’t.

Let’s just say that there is a lot less space between right and wrong than people think, and that it is hard keeping the wrong out of your right.

Ugh. October 12, 2010

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I don’t write in the afternoon much.  If you were here you would see why.  10 yr old running away from homework, 5 yr swinging around the living room, 3 yr old raiding the fridge, and the 10 month old – he is doing what he has done ALL day.  Cry.  Whine.  Scream.  Chalk it up to the joys of teething – since he is typically a fairly happy guy.

Today hasn’t been good.  I ditched the dog outside to wait for Kevin to get home.  After prying toys from her mouth, being yanked around by her on the way to get Kyle off the bus, I needed a time out.  The kids have had a bad day, and we couldn’t get out because we were waiting for the phone company to come and repair the line.  They did – that was good…

All I want is for Kevin to walk through the door so I can sneak off and have a nap.  I had plans to make supper – Roast chicken…  Not now.  That has been postponed until further notice.  I thought I might be able to throw together Mac ‘n Cheese.  Nope.  If Kevin walks through the door NOW – I might survive…

So much for that pipe dream.

Never. Moving. Again. October 11, 2010

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This whole moving out west saga has really done a number on me.  When we found out about the job, and started to plan to move out there I was very hopeful, and even thought that we would commit to live there permanently.  We got out there, and although there were some good times (such as Micah’s birth), it didn’t make up for the bad.  The isolation.  The constant fight to break into what is a very closed social community.  They (westerners) get all uppity about Toronto thinking they are the centre of the universe – but in turn they are about as friendly as…  Aw – forget it.  Needless to say we didn’t fit.  Sure some close friends wanted us to stay, but there just was not enough support.  Add on the issues we had with our landlord, and we couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

After being thrust out of our place a mere 2 months before we were to move to Ontario (so the house could sit empty) we stayed short-term in a small two bedroom place with borrowed furniture and house wares.  Before moving there – since we only had 5 weeks notice, we hired the moving company to pack for us too.  That was possibly one of the worst decisions of the entire fiasco.  They came.  They complained that we had a lot of stuff.  Broke a few things, and left.  Now – almost 3 months later I STILL can’t find my vacuum cleaner hose.  SERIOUSLY!  Why wasn’t it attached to the vacuum!?  A mystery for the ages at this point I dare say…

I also didn’t shop around for movers on the move back.  I was happy with the previous move, so felt that it was an easy decision to use them again.  Nope.  First, their packers were awful, and when they delivered our things here, they could not leave fast enough.  Secondly, last time they replaced the mirrors and such that were taken off for the move, and this time – nothing.  We could barely get them to help put the beds together.  A full two weeks later, and I am still not able to sleep in my own bed, and the house is full of boxes.  With four kids jumping around it is not POSSIBLE to get things done on my own – Kevin is away at work all day, his parents work during the week, and my Dad is in Europe, and my mom is at home – recuperating from helping us last week.  To say I feel hopeless about this, is an understatement.

I am tired.  I am sore.  I am tired of digging through boxes for everything.  I am tired of transitioning.  I am tired of packing, and boxes, and trying to fit in with new social circles.

Sorry about the whine.  I am off to find some cheese…

Hello Blog. Did you miss me? July 1, 2010

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Og gosh.  Brittany is echoing through my mind with her ditty “Oops, I did it again”, although in all fairness when it comes to me and my writing it is more like “Oops, I didn’t do it again”.  As in writing that is.

There has just been too much happening here to recount and catch up my throngs of followers on (note sarcasm, empty, echoing void of the internet…).  In short there are moves, and broken bones, and disappointments aplenty.  In all fairness there have been some high points too, although they are hard to see from where I am right now.  The long and short of it is that I am facing a move that will span 2 months minimum, and the interm will see us without our stuff.  I am trying to get things organized in a way that I won’t miss it, but I am feeling like that is unlikely.  It will be interesting to see how much I want back once we get settled.

What’s in the cards for this month?  Finding a place to live in Ontario, Kevin finding work for the winter, and getting the kids into routine of schooling on the go.  Routine might just become my favourite word.

I have made a lofty plan for the day to see if I navigate it more gracefully, so I must run.  Later Gater.  See you after my day.

Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God February 25, 2010

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After seeing a book review on my cousin’s blog where he had an ad to get books for free in exchange for doing a review. I knew I had to find out about it.  THAT is my budget for books, and I LOVE books!  I promptly visited Booksneeze.com, and sure enough there was a book listed that I was excited to read.  It was “Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God by Sheila Walsh.  I signed up right way, danced the happy dance when the book came in the mail, and proceeded to read.

In the book she takes you through events in her own life that resulted in her trusting God, and introduced you to biblical figures who exemplify various aspects of trust in God.  I found myself relating to her story, even though the journeys are different.  At the beginning, and again at the end, Sheila talks about trust in God using the analogy of a swing, which for me, tied everything together.

I ended up liking most things about this book.  It is captivating (I spent days walking around with a book in front of face), inspiring, informative and speaks right to your soul.  I enjoyed hearing about the authors struggles, and how each of the biblical people brought her a lesson about trust, and how it played out in her faith walk.  I found it a fair easy read, as the length of time it took to read was not reflective of its readability per se – but more on that later.  I loved the way the chapters were laid out, with quotes that focused in on where she was going before each chapter.  I also liked the way she talked about the biblical people, and focused in on one aspect of their life (trust in God).  Despite growing up in a church with a huge focus on Bible knowledge, I feel like I learned something about each of these people that was new.  I also like that the questions for a bible study were in the back of the book.  It makes it concise and accessible which I really appreciated.

There were a few aspects that I didn’t like, and although few, I found some extremely annoying.  The first refers back to the readability.  Although most of the quotes from the Bible noted the ‘translation’ is was from, not all did – which may be more of an editing issue than anything.  Related to that I was also frustrated at the amount of times that the book referred to The Message.  For day to day reading The Message can help to make the Bible a little more straight forward, but when it comes down to brass tacks it is a paraphrase instead of an actual translation, and as thus is not appropriate for a reference.  This particularly bothered me with some of The Message’s more ‘new age’ terminology (Matthew referring to ‘rhythms of grace’ for instance).  Her points could have been just as easily backed up by quotes from actual translations (traditional or modern), and would have thusly, carried more weight.  My last comment is along the same lines.  Sometimes when I read a comment she had made about some of the people (such as Anna’s history) or the times, I wished she had a footnote to reference the source of the information.  It is a bit of a nit-picky academic thing, but would have raised the readability (not having to look up the references), and the creditability of the book.

Over all I say “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”  There are definitely ways that it could be better, but overall is a good book, and a good lesson.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Betrayed February 22, 2010

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I haven’t always been where I am, but I thought that you were with me, but you aren’t. You fight me every step. You don’t listen, don’t trust, don’t believe. I gave you one of my most precious gifts, and you gave him away. I couldn’t hear, see, respond. You amputated him, and he DID need me, but couldn’t tell a stranger.

I would like to say that I will never trust you again, but where does that put us? They say you are perfect – who am I to argue?

A New You in the New Year… January 3, 2010

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I find myself reflecting on the New Year with a certain…  Apprehension.  It has been a big year for us.  Kevin got a job, we moved half way across the country, and we had a baby all in one year.  Add to that the fact that I am naturally at a low point due to the winter being on us – it is not the time for me to reflect.

With all the reflection talk and the natural reflection that happens when you are in a period of adjustment it is hard to get away from it.  This time it was okay – I have had a bit of an epiphany.  We tend to approach the New Year like it is a chance to have a ‘do over’, or a mulligan (kids are playing Wii Golf in the background 🙂 )  We focus on all the things that we want to change, and the ways that we were unhappy – you know – I want to lose weight, have a tidier house, do x better than last year, or in the case of my sister who is already a crazy cat lady in the making ‘take better care of my cat’…

When did people decide that the New Year was a time to criticize ourselves on our failings, to create an impossible situation for ourselves in terms of living up to our resolutions, or inclinations, thus creating a repeat the following year?

My Mom will sometimes point out when I am at my wits end with my 9 yo, that “he responds really well to positive reinforcement.”  Although it can irritate the heck out of me – I know she is gently pointing out “and right now that is not what you are doing.”  Well.  Guess what.  That apple did not fall far from the tree.  The reason for that is that the human race comes from that same tree.  Have you ever heard that it takes 10 positives to make up for one negative comment?  Every New Year, when half the world is battling the winter blues we decide to chastise ourselves for the maybe, woulda, couldas.

This year I am not doing that.  Don’t get me wrong.  There is TONNES I could, and should change.  But here is my New Years list.

This past year I

1.  Had an amazing homebirth, and realized that is my ideal birthing situation

2.  Started teaching Libby to read, and have seen that YES.  I can teach her things, and homeschooling will work if I want it too.

3.  I moved my family to a small close knit community where we get to experience more of what our huge country has to offer, and the kids are enjoying it.

4.  I have been learning to implement new routines, and recognize when I need to change things up to keep the family functioning.

5.  Have made some great friends that I know I will have for a life time.

6.  Have finally found a sport (geocaching) that I enjoy, and can’t wait to do more of.

7.  Am looking forward to my sister and BIL adopting in the next year.

8.  Am enjoying seeing my Mom be the strongest she has been in years.

9.  Accepting that sometimes I do need to change things, and when I do that I can do it one thing, one time at a time.

10.  I will look for the positives and not look so hard at the negatives, and will enjoy seeing what a little positive reinforcement can do.

Happy New Years!  Here is to a great 2010!

Things that make you go “What!?” December 1, 2009

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I took Kyle to a session of Street Dance last night so that he could try it out.  Sitting in the Kenmore Theatre in Morden, I was nothing short of shocked to see this

and wondered “What is that doing here?”

Lyle – you know what I am saying, right?

Don’t Get Too Excited… October 4, 2009

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Although I am updating my blog, it isn’t because I actually have something to say.  More just trying to update.

My DS as mentioned in my last post has improved some.  His appetite is back, and he is sleeping better, although not quite to the level that even he would normally.

My DD has now decided that her bed is not ‘comfy cozy’, and either sleeps in ours, or comes and sleep in ours once we have gone to bed.  Add to this the fact that the DS2 is in a similar phase, and I am considering whether a king size bed is really big enough!  OY!  No one is sleeping through the night, and that isn’t about to change as baby#4’s arrival is pending.  Maybe the others will settle down some after the baby is born.

About said baby, I suspect the arrival will be closer than not.  I am at the stage where I am done with the pregnancy, and my body is constantly hinting that it could go at any moment…  We’ll see.  Maybe it will surprise everyone and be late though – stranger things have happened.

I am trying to figure out how to make a trip back to Ontario in the nearer future.  Thanksgiving is going to be very different with out family close (as were the birthdays this year), and Christmas seems lonely without the extended family.  That being said Kevin will be in Ontario for a couple weeks in January or February, and we figured we would couple it with that, although there is still the issues of winter travel, and cost…

Other than that I have just been knitting away on various projects, and trying to get the house in order for the baby, and the post baby arrival.

That’s it.

What a Week September 26, 2009

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People who know my son will know that he is sensitive, and intuitive.  He has always had a slightly different rhythm going on his drum than most everyone else’s.  Not crazy different, just different.  Definitely more noticeable in some environments than others.  This is the source of great discussion as I would love to see him in an environment where those differences are honoured and he is able to use his strengths and weaknesses to do anything he wants.  For now this is not the case, and it is always in God’s hands…

This week has been a huge test of me trusting God with him, and his future.  For some reason this week he has been broken.  Not physically, but his spirit is broken.  He is panicked more than he isn’t, and he is barely sleeping (only sleeps with the help of a sedating herbal supplement), and not eating.  He does play in spurts, but those are more and more frequently being interrupted by moments of anxiety and panic.

This week has been a busy week calling Dr’s, going to the ER, talking to Community Mental Health, emailing the Paediatrician, talking to the school, and visiting the school.  I have managed to get him bumped up the waiting list for a counsellor from 3 months to 2 weeks, confirmed that there is no physical issue, and have been told to alert an array of Dr’s if anything changes, and finally connected with a spectrum of school personnel that have an increasing need to know what is going on as the issue persists.  That being said I had a horrendous conversation with the principal where she told me I was nuts and over protective, and outright LIED to me to make me shut up.  Suddenly she finds out that CMH thinks this is a serious issue, and she is taking notes.  How am I supposed to trust my child to this person who just wants to shrug me off, as if my 9+ years as his parent gives me no insight or experience into his behaviour or health?  As if I didn’t want him out of the Public School system before, I REALLY do now.  I am told about how he has complained about being sick and wanted to go home, and they were shrugging him off.  I am told about how they don’t care if he is eating, and how that has nothing to do with his ability to participate in school or gym effectively or healthily.  I am blithely told that if he isn’t getting enough sleep that I can try an earlier bedtime.  After all I told them it is clear that they haven’t listened to a word I said, and haven’t listened to him either.

Dealing with anxiety is a fine balance.  Pay too much attention and you feed it, not enough – and you feed it.  It is a balancing act while blind-folded.  You only know where the balance is when you go to far.  In an effort to keep that balance I send him to school to keep up a normal routine.  In doing so I am sending him into a pit of vipers (students and staff), and in an environment where that balance is not respected.  That is a tough place to be.  I try to educate them, but they can’t be there all the time.  I try to trust them, but they won’t even acknowledge there is a problem.  Meanwhile I am watching his spirit disappearing, and an energetic fun loving boy is a quiet, sad, scared panicked child who can’t bring himself to eat or sleep.  He picks at food, and will barely put any in his mouth.  Without the medication he is waking at least every hour (once he is asleep) weeping and complaining about feeling like he is dying.  He is feeling bombarded by the intensity of what he is feeling, and is just wanting EVERYONE he knows to pray for him that this will stop.

I do, will you?